


Dull Throb

by cutencreatures



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: But whateves he will end up being important :///, Kenma baby is handicapped, Kuroo doesn't make a major appearance at first, M/M, Not that sad though I guess, Poor bab, hospital fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-02-18 11:46:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2347391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutencreatures/pseuds/cutencreatures
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenma had always been quiet and pretty distant from others, but that's because he was in the fucking hospital since 7th grade due to an accident he'd rather not even think about. Kenma's life would be seen as either dreadful or exciting by others, but Kenma only viewed his life as boring, plain, and repetitive. For Kenma, this was the norm. The norm quickly changed once a boy came into the hospital, or rather, once he noticed the boy.<br/>Gonna have kinda short chapters so shh don't even comment about it I know they're short.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'll visit you

**Author's Note:**

> Hhaha hello! I've always thought hospital fics were really cool so I decided to do one myself. I'm not very good at writing so have low standards for me, I will make a lot of mistakes.

Kenma had always been quiet and pretty distant from others, but that's because he was in the fucking hospital since 7th grade due to an accident he'd rather not even think about.

He had been taught the basics of subjects by people who didn't even know if he understood them, Kenma would have to sit back in a chair and look like he was idly observing the lesson when in reality he could understand with only a few altercations every now and then.(He wasn't the best at math.) But even if he couldn't grasp a formula it's not like he could voice it, he was stuck in a mindless looking body.

Sure, he could let out a few sudden movements from time to time, but the motions weren't controlled. He could manage to make a few squeaks and messy murmers but not real words. The only things he could control were his fingers. Kenma had to be wheeled around and only left the hospital for a week every month, but he didn't have any friends to meet at home, only his parents and brother. When his family members weren't visiting him, Kenma was left with occasional glances from nurses, listening in on small talk or large news from doctors to families, and his own thoughts.

Kenma's life would be seen as either dreadful or exciting by others, but Kenma only viewed his life as boring, plain, and repetitive. For Kenma, this was the norm, just how others find it normal to not eat breakfast every morning because they have always skipped breakfast.

That's right, he never really felt sudden waves of realization or was always _sad_ , he was just tired, not in a sleepy way, but of a dull throb of life way. He was tired of doing the same every day, tired of knowing there's no real life worth living in front of him. These observations never hurt him, they just reminded Kenma why he always felt this dull feeling of emotionally falling over or gradually having a slower step throughout life.

It was one of those days, where Kenma especially felt this throb when he heard loud footsteps from the hallway, proceeding to enter his shared room. The man who entered was tall, fair skinned with some faint acne, and spiky black hair that had a bit of hair jutting out to cover part of his face. Dressed in a baggy red sweatshirt, 2 sizes too big skinny jeans, and old scuffed blue sneakers.

"Bokuto!" Ah, so that was the name of the boy who shared the room with him. _Bokuto_  was in the hospital for a broken leg or something like that, Kenma didn't really listen to the man's whole one-sided conversation about his life so he never caught his name.

"Kuroo!"

"I told you that if you don't know how to rollerblade then you shouldn't fucking try to slide on the railing, dipshit!" Even the wording seemed scolding, the tone was lighthearted and happy. The two leaned in for a hug and a few more sentences of timid love-hate conversation till the one pressumed to be Kuroo took notice of Kenma's seemingly small presence.

"Who's that?" Was all he asked in a soft manner.

"Some kid named Kozuma or whatever, he can't talk so I just ignore him."

"That's bullshitty of you." Kuroo quickly put the subject aside for more chit-chat with his friend.

Kenma knew he would be disregarded rather early upon conversation because he had never done anything for them to keep up a conversation about him, and he wouldn't be able to just pop up next to them and start talking about himself.

"When will you be out of here anyways?" Fiddling with some distraction device next to Bokuto's bed, Kuroo didn't mind to give Bokuto a glance as he asked.

"I've been in here for a while, and the doctor said I should be able to wheel myself around for a bit in a week or so."

"And then crutches for months and months? Again?"

"Yep!"

"You should really stop hurting yourself on those stupid decisions." Kuroo put the toy down and turned his gaze to the owl eyed friend, a thin smile on his face. Smashing a sloppy and playful kiss onto the other boy, Kuroo got up and started walking towards the exit.

"I'll update the guys on you, see you later." Bokuto bid farewell with a simple wave and a smile, which only lingered for a few more seconds after Kuroo had left the room. Positioning himself so he could face Kenma properly, Bokuto kept a curious and neutral face while observing the man who was sharing the hospital room with him yet again.

"It probably sucks to not be able to speak or move, huh? And such a pretty face with no motive." Sighing, Bokuto was about to grab his phone off the side table when Kenma made a small angered groan. The noise was _very_  forced and Kenma had to concentrate to do it, but he managed. Kenma didn't want to hear shit from a piece of shit like this boy even remotely about him being a waste of a pretty face. Bokuto didn't even need to bring up looks, Kenma knew he was rather feminine looking for a guy, but it had _nothing_ to do with how how he spent life because he couldn't even do what was considered living!

Bokuto turned back to the handicapped boy with a slightly confused and shocked face, till a shitty grin growed.

"I didn't even know you understood me, hah! Well, too bad you can only growl and twiddle your fingers." The tone wasn't hollowly mocking, but playful and friendly, too fond for this guy.

"What do you think of Tetsurou? He's hot, huh?" After propping himself up to get more comfortable, the owl eyed boy waited for a response, but only got a blank glare.

"Oh yeah, it's not like you can communicate through wiggling your fingers..."

Taking the backpack off the table next to him and pulled out a grimy notebook that had profanity drawn poorely all over the front, he flipped through the pages and took the pen that was inside the sprawled binding. Finally at a page that wasn't taken up by messily written math problems, some marked with "HW" in the MLA formatting, the boy started scribbling down what Kenma asumed were words.

"I trust that you can read, because I see tutors come in here and show you stuff all the time, and from what I gather you're around my age considering you are learning stuff that I learned not long ago." Ripping up the paper so each word had it's own piece, Bokuto leaned over the edge of his bed, having to grasp onto the frame so he wouldn't fall.(He was over so much that his hips were barely on the bed, and his free arm was fully extended) With his arm finally reaching Kenma's tray that was attached to his wheelchair so teachers could put materials on and for food, Bokuto sprawled the pieces of paper so Kenma could see all of them easily. Kenma's arms were already on the sides of the tray, like always, so he would be able to choose the cards just fine with his hands.

Surveying the writing, there were only 6 words, all of them on seperate papers. There was yes, no, maybe, hella, fuck, and shut up for him to choose from.

"For the the hella and fuck, you can put them in front of yes and no just for a little bit of personalization." Bokuto's sweet words were dull to Kenma's ears.

"Now that you can 'talk' back to my earlier question! Don't you think Kuroo is hot? He's a good friend of mine." Kenma would say he was attractive, so he tapped the piece of paper that said yes, keeping his finger on it so Bokuto can fully view his choice.

"Hah, yeah, he's really fucking hot." Rubbing the back of his neck, Bokuto was glad for the response of his new aqquaintance.

"That was a really stupid conversation starter... Have you been here for a long time?" Kenma kept his finger on the yes paper. Bokuto nodded, suddenly nervous and making the air awkward, as if he didn't expect that answer.

"Ehm... Do you have any friends who come here? Not your family, I've seen them here plenty, but friends?" Kenma took his finger off yes, he had to think for second. Back in 7th grade, the first few weeks in the hospital most of his friends showed up. He was actually pretty popular before the accident, but not being able to move or talk his visiting friends quickly became bored and not concerned, so, no, no friends. After pressing the no paper, Bokuto quickly responded.

"I'll visit you after I get out of here, when I can atleast." Kenma found these words surprising, was this stupid boy actually promising to visit him afterwards just because he hasn't had friends in a while? He couldn't keep up a real conversation, Bokuto would just get bored after a while and one of the visits would be the last.

"I'm Bokuto Koutarou." His large smile was very quirky, enticing in a dorky way.

"Eh, I'll ask a doctor for your name later." Face softening, Bokuto went back to digging through his notebook and searching answers to questions on his phone.

Kenma hasn't had an experience like that before. He was finally able to let someone understand him, of course with the help of them writing the words down, but they understood his answers just fine that way. He could express the tone he would use, if you could, he would be sarcastic nearly 70% of the time, but that doesn't matter much right now.

Someone just  _learned_ things about him, through Kenma answering rather than a doctor or family member. If someone this young could figure out the basics of how to do this then why doesn't Kenma have a machine or something to help project words like Stephen Hawking and stuff? Starting to get angry, he needed to cool himself down, take a few deep breathes or some shit. When he gets strong emotions his body acts up uncontrollably too.

"Heh, if only you could text or something. I think your hands would be too unsteady for the keypad though." DAMN FUCKING RIGHT that's why he needs an actual machine specifically designed for people like him.

Accepting that it was time to just silently enjoy this new company, Kenma let his mind and eyes wonder to the window, quickly getting swept away in shallow thoughts.


	2. Pretty Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo is kinda a douche but it's okay.

In the recent days of now being used to Bokuto asking simple questions and showing quite a bit of fondness, and not only from Bokuto, Kuroo hadn't came back nor had any of Bokuto's other friends.

Kenma didn't mind Bokuto's curiosity about him, he actually enjoyed the pushy friendliness from this owl eyed man, showing him apps on his phone, even teaching Kenma how to play cards.(Though his mother or brother had to hold the cards.) Koutarou never showed any reluctancy to share facts about himself or start an orally one sided conversation.

It being Sunday, Kuroo was free from school and had phoned Bokuto telling him he'd arrive at the hospital in about 25 minutes, though that was 20 minutes ago. "Can't wait till I get my history textbook back, he took it last time he was here and decides now is a good time to return it." Yawning loudly, stretching his arms over his head and glancing back to Kenma, Bokuto smiled lazily.

"I only do the damn classwork crap here because there's nothing else to keep me busy, I can't stay on my phone all day." Kenma replied with an understanding nod, it's not like he can relate, but he understand well. "Plus now I can actually tell Kuroo about you! I didn't want to text him or anything because I don't know, I just kinda want to let him see you." Laying back in the bed, Bokuto relaxed and started to hum, until of course the badly styled hair man came bursting into the room.

"Bokuto!"

"Kuroo!"

This must be the new gay mating call.

Starting off the meeting with small talk, Bokuto quickly turned the attention towards unexpecting Kenma, who couldn't help but feel uncomfortable.

"That's Kozume Kenma, he's pretty chill. He can only answer yes or no questions, but he listens." Kuroo walked over to the said boy with a delightful chirp, kneeling down to level with him. "So, how's his condition?You must have gotten something from his family or something." Smirking, letting the patient get a good look at his face till turning to Bokuto.

"His mum said that he'll have surgery in a few months to fix vocal folds or something like that, and if the operation is a success he might be able to speak some more. They said it was a huge step from where he would be before to operation." Bokuto was smiling, obviously still content with visiting and looking forward to see his buddy talk. "Just how close can you get to someone who can't speak or move? It's like a middle aged mother and her garden." Kuroo was laughing off his own comment, just then knowing the crappy thing he said, but Bokuto didn't shrug.

"He's a really cool person, I _know_  he listens, which is enough to be considered a friend." Kenma couldn't move limbs and all, but he could still offwardly show facial expressions, and this one was a lightly tinged red. That word again, that distantly familiar word, friend. Kenma knew his limits, and why they crashed down on him for basically everything, but know he was finally pushing past them. For the last 5 years he never really fought his unexpected fate, that maybe he would just end up alone or unwanted. But right now it sounded like he actually mattered to someone who didn't need to find purpose in him. Bokuto was really something, he had a natural just... Ability to understand while still keeping up an amazingly modern and cool manner towards anyone.

"Okay. Sure. You'll be out sooner or later, you still gonna visit him plenty to operation?" Kuroo didn't pay much mind to his friend's rather heartfelt words, heeding the hurt tone as something Bokuto will quickly throw away, which he did."Of course!" Chirped the gay owl.(I'm so sorry I just had to add gay owl in here somewhere.)

"He'll be nice to talk to, just getting some things off my chest and stuff." Kuroo, the poor seemingly uninterested soul, just nodded and played some simplistic strategy game on his phone.

"Kenma has been here since 7th grade, his family is just so fucking clueless about his thoughts, _everybody is_. He's never had any vicious opinions about this place, he never felt the need to, even with being so limited while living, he doesn't even mind. You don't know this feeling of emptiness, and you never will, so stop acting as if this doesn't matter."Bokuto's voice strained, the sudden outburst wasn't loud, but more of a hollow, breathy scold. Rooster head was listening and staring now, confused with a hint of guilt and knowingness. Putting his phone away, Kuroo sighed and apologized through an awkward glance and pat of pockets.

"Didn't think of that." Of course he didn't, why would he? Why did he have to care about such an unimportant body as Kenma? He didn't really, but atleast give the boy some respect for the short while he's here.

Kenma himself lost track of what was going on, trying to focus himself on analyzing Kuroo and making an opinion about him, because believe it or not, he hasn't made one yet, or atleast, not an offical one. Kuroo was an absent-minded fool when it came to things that weren't natural to him, he wasn't snotty or stuck up, just unsure of how he should take the subject of Kenma as. He was the boy in class who would rarely be hushed through his ever so loud or quiet conversations that would never end up being one sided. He was the man in the office that would be the star, the one everyone adored no matter how many rumors were spread about family or his love life. Kuroo was not a person to take lightly, he could smash your reputation(Of course, if you mattered, unlike Kenma) even if everybody knew he wouldn't, he could, so take the words of his with a friendly and fair air with no backwash of harshness or nervousness through your decent composure, even if you know if he saw your nerves so on end he wouldn't mind.

"Bye Kuroo!" Kenma herded his attention back to his surroundings, Kuroo set a kiss on Bokuto's forehead before slipping his jacket on, and turning towards Kenma.

"Later, pretty boy." With a quick salute, Kuroo heading out the door, humming a fast paced vanilla pop song.

Bokuto kept his lingering smile he had last time Kuroo had left, though it quickly faltered once he started an apology. "Sorry about his rudeness. He usually isn't that emotionally distant." Yes, with how he was the word that comes to Kenma's mind is the word apathetic.

Bokuto kept up a keen smile though, using one hand to roughly fix his mess of hair and one to grab his phone, swiping through his settings.

"Fucking damn, 1.1 gigabytes? IOS 8 can suck my dick I gotta delete a bunch of shit." Kenma was letting out small pits of laughter, even if they did come out as gurgles, they got the message across to Bokuto.

His scowl completely vanished and was replaced with a hearty smile.


	3. Kazuko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new character!! Of course not from the anime, but just someone who will be important later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! Sorry for the short chapter, I've been swamped with school.

This day Bokuto had told Kenma about Kuroo and his other friend, Tsukishima Kei.

"Yeah, Kei is a piece of shit. He's just really... I don't know? I guess he's just moody. I'm having trouble finding the right word."

Kenma figured that Bokuto and Kei's personalities don't blend well and he's not actually _that_ bad. You can't be 'moody' enough to actually make someone dislike you, right?

"Mmm. Kuroo is forcing him over for god knows why. Kuroo still hasn't given me my book! He's handing off the homework though. I'm like, 4 assignments behind." Kenma didn't like Kuroo all too well, he seems like a pretty open person but not willing to get close to Kenma. With Kenma not being able to make the moves to advance their "friendship" Kuroo would have to do most of the work, and it's pretty obvious he isn't up for the job. Kuroo was rather rude, not that he meant to, but it just wasn't great to hear that Bokuto shouldn't be friends with Kenma because of reasons Kenma was fully aware about.

"The little shithead said he'll be over after school, he doesn't play volleyball anymore so it shouldn't be long." Kuroo played volleyball? It was obvious he played sports but Kenma had only thought Kuroo fixated on roller skating or some shit like that, he mentioned it earlier, didn't he?

Kenma looked down to the index cards that were on his tray, it had been established that yes, no, and ? cards would always stay there once his family found out he understood everything and wanted to give him some form of communication. Hoping the message would get across to Bokuto like always, he pressed his thumb down on the ? card, which was colored a bright blue.

"Mhm, yep. He used to play volleyball, he was super committed. One day he just wasn't interested anymore, and dropped out. He still does a whole bunch of other sports but nothing long term. Some days he skates and some days he plays basketball, and more."

Kenma shook a confirming nod, or three, he couldn't really control his stopping time. Just then the sound of gentle steps and a slowly closing door along with it's slight squeak entered the room.

"Kenma-chan, how are you doing today? Sorry I haven't visited in a while, Daiki was having family troubles." The boy, or rather, man, was walking closer to the younger. Kenma's brother.

He had similar facial features and same dark hair, but overall this man just looked more... Angled, masculine.

Kenma accepted his embrace, taking in his brother's familiar cologne which actually smelled almost florally. After the short hug ended, along with the very close comforting smell, his brother turned to Bokuto's bedside with a small smile.

"I'm Kazuko, my parents have actually informed me about you! Bokuto, the newly made friend of Kenma-chan, how sweet." Reaching out his hand, Bokuto accepted the shake with a smile and peach pink tints at the apples of his cheeks.

"Mhmmm... Yes! Nice to meet you!" Kenma seemed to be the only one to hear his friend's clapping heart beat, because both the two other boys stayed collected when near eachother, even if Bokuto couldn't help but take glances towards Kazuko's ass in admiration every now and then.

It had already been around 30 minutes and Kazuko was just lounging around, reading something on his phone next to Kenma's chair. His phone vibrated, and after a few seconds of reading the text Kazuko bent down and planted a kiss ontop of Kenma's head and started walking out of the room.

"Bye, Kenma-chan! See you another time, Bokuto." The gentle steps and almost soundless creak of the door collided with pounding thuds and a loud crack from bursting open the door, which were followed by lazily taken steps from a tall blond.

"Holy SHIT!" Was all that was said from Kuroo after Kazuko was completely out of sight through the long white hallway. "The ass on that man!" The sentence was breathy and surprised, Kenma already knew that Kazuko did indeed, have quite an ass. Kuroo took a few more seconds to idolize the memory of Kazuko's seemingly holy ass before dividing his attention to Kenma, who was just staring at Kuroo's wild stray hairs that were sitting on his head.

"Kenma~ How is my pretty boy doin?" Ugh. Just fine till you fucking arrived. Kenma responded accordingly with narrowed deathly glinted eyes and a mind full of curses. Kuroo's happily dashed tone dropped midway to a dull flat "egh" Bokuto, of course, couldn't help but laugh a bit and try not to focus on the blond's loud ass music but on the other two's whole scuttle.

"Hmph, well, dickshit, this is Tsukki!" After hearing the shortened version of his name, the blond boy propped his head up from his phone and narrowed his eyes at Kuroo, who looked hurt for getting so many death glares.

"Tsukishima Kei, pleasure." A curt nod was all that was exchanged between Kei and Kenma, but a nod was enough.

Kei's whole demeanor seemed pretty calm and relaxed, why would Bokuto be fuming about moodiness? The teenager was actually intimidating, almost as much as Kuroo when Kenma first met him. Tall, very, _very_  tall. Ruffled short ashy blond hair, almost droopy sorts of eyes, and sucky eyebrows. "Pure evil" is what he remembered Bokuto saying when describing Kei.

"Why did you have to bring Tsukishima here?" An angry pout was spread across Bokuto's face. "I wanted him to meet pretty boy." "They seem just fine with eachother, he can leave now." Was what Bokuto responded with.

Bokuto was being _way_  more "moody" than Kei, what was up his asshole? Kei didn't seem to be doing anything wrong, listening to annoyingly loud music and looking at dinosaurs on his phone, he was just fine with ignoring the owl eyed piece of shit who was for no reason mad at him. "Fuck you." Kuroo ended the conversation and padded over to Kenma's chair, softly laying his hand on the tray to make sure Kenma kept focused on him.

"Hello, pretty boy."

Holy shit fuck in a cunt licking ass dick shit duck fucker. Kuroo was trying to make a normal conversation with that stupid smirk of his HOLY FUCK he's such a moron.

"Did you miss me?" All Kuroo got was a sneer and a gaze that wasn't pointed towards him. The fact that Kuroo expected a casual conversation with him, why is he being so light hearted? Is he trying to just get a reaction or actually trying to be nice? Is this counted as being nice? Kenma wasn't sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After I was done writing this chapter I found out my mother had been cheating on my father -again- so they are getting a divorce.  
> This story might be getting some angst earlier than expected just so I can let out some steam :///


	4. Deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bro gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOPE YOU ENJOY SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG IM TRYING TO BE FASTER BLAH

"Bokuto, aren't you getting out of here next week?"

Kuroo and his friend Kei were still here, they'd only been around for 20 minutes and Bokuto already wanted them( Or rather, one of them) to leave.

"Mhm. My mom wanted me to stay here for so long because the doc said if I didn't keep the leg in place I'd need surgery, and she said she knew if I left the hospital too soon I'd need to go in for surgery the following day after leaving." The hues of anger were creeping through the room as Bokuto stared at Kei, mumbling very quietly about being able to hear his music through the headphones or something like that, Kenma couldn't hear much of it.

"Tsukki." Kuroo just had to say his name in a casual tone for the blond boy to look up from his phone, taking one earbud out.

"Your music is so fucking loud!"

Was Bokuto's contribution, even though Kenma (And possibly Kuroo) couldn't hear the music at all, Bokuto had to be a shit.

"Why can't you just chill? You're being a dick." Kei narrowed his eyes after finishing his words, not caring enough to hear out Bokuto's fumes and snarls so he just went back to his phone, picking a new playlist. After a while of playing with the buttons on his shirt, Kuroo got bored and turned to Kenma to get some reactions and if he was lucky, an annoyed gurgle or jumbled sounds of dismissal.

But what came out of his mouth weren't smirk ridden taunts, but the closest thing he can get to a heartfelt comment with someone he wasn't even close with.

"Don't worry, Bokuto will be just safe with us, we will still visit so you don't get lonely."

Kenma was surprised, not much though. Bokuto had already promised to keep up regular visits once gone and so of course his trash friend would tag along, not really adding anything to Kenma's recovery, which he didn't really mind.

"Nothing you got to say to that?" Shrugging after a minute of nothing, Kuroo wasn't satisfied and turned to Bokuto for some answers to pointless questions.

"Will you stop yelling at him, Bokuto? He's not listening. And did you do the homework? The teacher made me record the lesson for you so you better fucking need it."

With that, the owl boy's bickering continued but now with Kuroo, going on about his textbook and piling of work or something. Kenma wasn't in the mood to observe his friend much right now, he's been acting as usual so Kenma has nothing new to discover.

"Kenma,"

Ah, the freakishly tall blond boy was feeling up to interact with someone, finally.

"I'm not usually _this_ quiet and all, but it's better for me not to say anything if I don't feel like putting up with Bokuto."

Kenma could understand, he can't relate, but he can understand plenty.

Kei had very clear skin, it looked really smooth compared to Kuroo and Bokuto's skin. His eyes were a nice deep honey yellow, though Kenma could tell they were oftenly used to intimidate others rather than reel them in. The hair seemed very thin and light, it'd be a pleasure to be able to ruffle the strands or just mess around with them a bit.

"I know you can't speak much or whatever, but I can tell you are close with Bokuto and that's while seeing you two barely meet eyes this whole time. I'm wondering, how? I won't be able to know." Kei said it so casually, with a shrug to top it off. Why does he even care, and why is he taking the effort to notice anyways?

"Let's go, Tsukki~" A quick wave and smile - like always- was exchanged before the two boys had left the room, leaving Bokuto and Kenma to themselves again. It's always just them, Kenma noticed. Bokuto's family doesn't come in much, and it's not like his friends can come here every single day for hours on end. Because it's the two of them, once Bokuto leaves then Kenma will be one once again, not being able to feel Bokuto's presence just like before he came.

"Are you okay, Kenma?"

Ah, his face is red, not Bokuto's, Bokuto was actually going pale once seeing his friend. Kenma _really_  didn't want to feel alone again. He didn't want to feel the same as the first day he came here, tattered in bandages and drugged to not sense anything, but he could think just fine during that time. But all he thought was "Okay," from the start he didn't mind knowing he won't be the the same, he minded that things would be the same for others even without him.

He knew that he wasn't worth much, he came to terms with that very early on in his life.

"Many people are nearly worthless." He'd say as a child, to no one but himself. His friends wouldn't like it if he said the many facts in his head aloud, so Kenma never said any of it.

What took a long time to come to terms with is knowing that that the few who did value him could easily forget the value he had.

The small bits of worth he held were slipping from his grasp with each passing day, but once Bokuto reached out, Kenma felt like he could value a new person. And now Kenma might still value Bokuto long after he's gone, even if Bokuto won't do the same. Kenma wouldn't be able to handle such things, such things he already went through before and before he was ready, but hey, those types of things never give a warning, so no one can prepare.

Yeah, Kenma's face looked like it was ready to be burned off, his eyes puffy and watering, his limbs drastically moving. He can't control his body, so he always made sure to hold a firm grasp on his mind, though he's letting the clutch loosen.

"Kenma," Bokuto had gotten up and was pressing Kenma's head against his chest, hand ruffling through his long wisps of hair.

"I don't know why you are sad and my leg hurts like hell right now but whatever, you'll be fine, you deserve to be okay."

Bokuto's voice was soft but creaking with nervousness and realization of just how oddly gay he was being, not at all like the usual gay stuff he usually does, like sex with other boys, but hey, that was just two or more guys being dudes, this was different.

This was like a somehow sentimental bro gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bro gay


	5. Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto is a bab

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA FUCKING YEH ANOTEHR SUPER SHORT CHAPTER A DAY AFTER THE LAST ONE FUCK YYEESSAAA!!!!

"I'll miss you, Bokuto."

Two firm hands were together, and deep smiles were shared between Bokuto and Kazuko, though Bokuto was more on the brink of tears than overjoyed.

"Huh? I'm not going anywhere." He said after wiping his eyes, leaving his hand having a shine from the tears that had been removed. Kenma's mother, father, and Kazuko looked confused, while Bokuto and his own mother were exchanging glances and grins.

"Bokuto is planning on visiting regularly along with his friend, Kuroo, right?"

Bokuto nodded to his mother and turned back to the family infront of him. Their faces were still plenty confused, but were mixed with happiness, as if this was a completely new experience to them. Kenma was just relieved. Bokuto was still going to be there, having a presence and giving Kenma one too. He was relaxed around Bokuto, less observant and not feeling a need to notice every single thing that was going on around him, and what was swimming through his mind.

"You got _that_  close to Kenma?" His mother was the first one to speak, her question making Bokuto's smile larger. Kenma knew Bokuto will visit, he knew Bokuto will say kind words and stuff, but he didn't know if he'd stay. Bokuto could be like all of Kenma's friends back in 7th grade, who dismissed Kenma as a person so quickly after they got bored of him.

"Yeah, I'll make sure he's not without me for too long."

Kenma hated the idea that someone is needed, he hated the idea of someone thinking that Kenma needed someone. He hated the idea of worth, though he was very fascinated with it. Need equaled worth, and Kenma liked the idea of no worth, because everything can be replaced so easily, nothing held true worth. But of course, he couldn't deny the fact that people value eachother, and that should be seen as worth. He did like the idea that of himself holding value, holding some sort of specialty, but he was not special, he has always been perceived as nothing.

"I really connect with him." Bokuto shrugged and met eyes with his "close" friend before leaving in a wheelchair with his mother, soon only the faint clicks of her heels were heard.

"Well uh... With that out of the way I guess we can tell you about your surgery." Kazuko's voice was awkward and still slightly shocked by the recent news of more visitors. Kenma jerked his head to his brother, this surgery might enable him to talk, and maybe even one day he would be able to be just as fluent as everyone else. That was really fucking important.

"The doc said that you should be able to go under in about about a month, after the surgery you will have to drink lots of water and practice talking so your vocal folds will become less stiff and damaged. It'll be a kinda fast process for them to heal compared to other wounds." Kazuko chirped, which reminded Kenma a lot of Kuroo, and went in to hug Kenma with a huge grin and pride stuck on his face.

"You will be able to talk if everything goes fine."

His mother joined in, hugging more to the side of Kenma with how much room the broad Kazuko was taking. Though just about everyone was mixing their happiness and excitment together, Kenma's father broke apart the group to get in the details of recovery.

"You won't be able to string out sentences for a long while, we'll have you on strict 'speaking lessons' your tutor will add them on. He said he'll start you off on lone syllables and then full words." Kazuko sighed and backed off of Kenma along with his mother, the mood had been broken and the father obviously didn't want them to get into a celebration till after the surgery, seeing how many things can always go wrong.

Kenma was still happy, he'd be able to express emotion more easily now, he'd also be able to just _talk_. He didn't care what he talked about, hell, he'd even only read Jaden Smith's tweets and he'd be thankful. Just being able to make noises that people can understand the meaning of would be enough for a long time.

"I've always wondered what you were thinking about for these four years! You were such an interesting boy." Said Kenma's mother, the words seemed drenched in kindness that everyone could hear, but Kenma knew better than to take those words completely purely.

"You were such an interesting boy." Of course that would be in past tense.

"Well, Kenma, me and your father will be heading home to prepare dinner. We'll be back next week, we have a short business trip to go on, but we'll be back soon, darling!" Of course, they're usually busy. They must have good paying jobs to be able to afford so many medical bills, people would say it comes to an expense of them not being able to spend much time with their children. They probably don't mind though, Kenma will still be nothing for a while and they know Kazuko is in a happy relationship with a cute girl.

"Mmm, and Kenma-chan, I can only stay for like 20 minutes. Daiki wants me at her house by 6 so we can eat together." Kazuko patted his brother's head and continued to play with his hair, disheveling the long black locks. This was a close sign of affection for the man.

"Say, Kenma-chan, how about after the surgery we give you a little haircut in celebration? It's been a while, we could even dye it."

A haircut would be nice considering his hair was almost to his shoulders from the years of being left alone.

"You'd still look pretty with short hair, and a nice juicy blond fits you, I think."

Mnn, Kazuko is really close. Kenma can smell his floral cologne, such a comforting smell to accompany his words. Soon Kenma will be able to tell Kazuko about his comforting smell that he never noticed so long ago when he had the ability to say it.

* * *

 

It had been a week, Kazuko has only visited once and that was just to drop by to tell Kenma he won't be around for a while, something about Daiki. Atleast Bokuto was here, just reading some sporting heterosexual white boy looking magazine, humming quietly and glancing at Kenma every once in a while.

"It's nice being with someone like you." and a kiss on Kenma's forehead and then Bokuto was gone, with a large dorky smile on his face.

Yeah, Kenma was growing impatient (For the first time in years) for more human contact, for more kisses and embraces. More of Bokuto.

Blehh!! This was such an embarrasing thing for Kenma to admit, he hasn't had a need for this in quite a while. Now that he's experienced such a nice feeling of well... Just not being alone, he doesn't want to go back to how he used to be. It used to be the sensation of feeling void, just staring, not really waiting till you die. You weren't waiting because you had no real reason to wait, you just accepted that it could be any moment, and stuck with your usual flow.

It's just... Just... so shallow. Everything was so shallow once you thought nothing would come to you, nothing new. Kenma thought every person's gestures and movements towards him were meaningless, held no true value to him, and that's just how he thought it was. 

Now he's realised just how wrong he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUCH A QUICK UPDATE1!! PROUD OF MYSELDDF!!!


	6. Bokuto's Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BOKUTO BABB

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO RRY 4 NOT UP8ING BUT I STILL LOVE YOU ALL

Feeling nauseated and asleep, Kenma looked around a seemingly bright, clean room.

"He's awake!"

"Don't speak too loudly, it might overwhelm him."

Oh right, the operation. Seems like it went through smoothly, he wasn't dead so yeah must okay. He'll finally be able to talk, to thank everyone, to thank Bokuto.

He can speak out his feelings, he's not going to bottle up any thoughts or views, he doesn't have the ungratefulness to do that.

He's had to just silently lay back, making no contact or even thought about making contact for so long, always just accepting his motionless mouth. Months ago he found something to renew that urge, wanting more of this thing he never took the time to notice.

"Make sure he drinks lots of water and make sounds regularly, nurses will give him the new medication with his usual ones."

"How long will it take for him to speak normally?"

"Depends on how fast he heals."

Forcing his eyes fully open, Kenma's view was completely submerged in harsh lights, which he knew weren't as bad as they seemed. Moving his attention to the side, mostly to able to see who was next to him other than his mother and the doctor. Of course it was only them and his father, was he letting himself be a fool? Kazuko even said a month ago that he wouldn't be around for a period of time, why was Kenma getting his hopes up? Kenma knows why, it's an easy answer, Kazuko was his fucking brother. Who wouldn't want to see their brother after a month of absence? And to add on, Kenma even expected Bokuto, BOKUTO. Someone who had no blood relation to him at all. Whatever, he'll be able to see him once Bokuto visits, that's all that matters.

"Are you alright, Kenma?" His mother's face was of pure joy, like Paula Deen when she looks at butter, pure joy. Kenma just nodded, still feeling light-headed and frankly, knew he wouldn't be able to say "yes" right off the bat.

"Get some rest! The nurses will take you back to your room soon." She started buttoning her jacket, why was she leaving so soon?

"Sorry darling! I'm late for work, I already called in saying the situation but I need to go now so your father doesn't get upset." tHe FUCK

"Kazuko will be by tomorrow, he said he has big news for you! Bokuto ringed in and said he'll be here tonight! Such a sweet kid. Bye darling!"

The mother hurridely stepped into the hallway, leaving Kenma with just the doctor, who was scanning through files near the back of the room.

"That's fucked up, dude." EVEN THE DAMN DOCTOR SAID THAT H OL Y FU CKK

Kenma shouldn't be worrying about his mother right now though, she's always been like this, always. She'd just do the minimum required sentimental acts and leave. Whatever, she'll be back another time to repeat the process for her self-satisfacation.

"I'll be leaving now too, nurses will come to transport you back to your room. Make sure to talk as much as you can without straining yourself."

* * *

 

It was now 6:30 pm and Kenma had been spending the last 20 minutes doing vocal exercises with a new nurse, who was obviously uncomfortable doing this task. The exercises were all very simple, sounding out indivisual noises like "ah" and "mi". The nurse felt like it was necessary to explain to Kenma what words he'd have to use them in, which annoyed the boy till he was ready to just flail his limbs around and cause the nurse to get a different person for him to do the exercises with. Luckily, the lessons were over and the nurse was informing him on other times he will practice before leaving.

"Your tutors only come twice a week, so staff will give you speech therapy on the days your tutors can't. Even though you can just talk during your lessons, we urge you to talk much more, try forming words when talking to visitors and everything. Just don't do it to where it hurts! It'll keep you from healing."

Ugh, he knows this. How fucking bothersome, he knows all of this information but he still can't tell her to shut up just yet.

"Oh! And when I was coming here there were two men outside the door? They looked like teenagers. They said they wanted to see you but no visitors during therapy so I told them to wait, I'll get them now."

Bokuto and one of his friends. Now that Kenma thinks about it, Bokuto hasn't brought that many friends over? Just Kuroo and Kei, right? Though both of them are okay company (With Kuroo being a bit under on the scale) wouldn't Bokuto bring over more people?

"Kenma! How did the surgery go?"

Bokuto's voice seemed tired but excited, the boy practically flung himself to Kenma, making sure to hug him without it hurting. Kenma tried to give Bokuto a physical reaction, wanting to also hug him rather than only having a goofy grin and a red face. He tried wiggling his arms, hoping for them to find their way to Bokuto's back, but the most he could do willingly was just weird twitching and tapping his tray with his fingers.

"I heard from the doctor that because of the type of surgery it was that you'd be able to make noise like pretty soon after the surgery, right? Has someone taught you something yet?" He was still hugging Kenma, but now one of his hands were ontop of Kenma's rather than clinging to the smaller boy's back.

"Ah,"

"HOLY SHIT."

Bokuto looked ecstatic, covering his mouth with his hand to muffle some curses with good intentions that he was stringing out.

While Kenma gladly waited for Bokuto to calm down, he noticed a tall figure awkwardly standing against a wall near the room's entrance. Black hair that was standing up, acne that had seemed to have gotten worse, and tattered sneakers. It was him alright, Kuroo. Just standing there watching, not knowing exactly what to do, should he break up this obviously sentimental moment or wait till the air is lighter for him?

Honestly, Kenma doesn't really want him to be here. Bokuto is plenty and more for him after the surgery, it'd be nice to only see Bokuto for a while, Bokuto had always been there for him, yeah. Bokuto's good.

He was finally calm and was looking down at Kenma, such fucking happy eyes god Kenma just wanted to punch the dork in the face fuckk uck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK AND STILL SORRY BC SHOR CHAPTER AGAIN GOSH BUT I HOPE YOU ARE ALL SATISFIED WITH THE LITTLE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT AND KINDA CLIFFHANGER? LOVE YOU ALL


	7. Tunnel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo leaves, and takes more than he should have with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I 'M S O SORRY !! !

  It had already been thirty minutes, the whole time Bokuto was showing him youtube videos and social media posts.

  Kuroo was sitting next to Bokuto, trying to avoid eye contact with the two other boys in the room, which was in reality very easy but was a very hard task for Kuroo. As a video with a girl that had blond and black hair was halfway finished, the sound was replaced with a buzz and a notification from "Kazu-chan" that said "Are you still with Kenma-chan?" and a yellow moon emoji.

  Bokuto smiled brightly, to excuse himself for pausing the video to reply to Kazuko. Kenma heard the very small taps from the phone as Bokuto pressed letters and most likely an array of emojis.

  Glancing to Kuroo, Kenma didn't see a face but a sitting figure with it's head stashed away to the side, making sure not to catch a link of eyes. Settling with the presumption that the rooster haired boy still thought he would make things awkward, Kenma was about to start tapping his tray before deciding to catch a few more movements from the other's body before reacting. Finger nails scraping almost too roughly against jeans, cheeks pulling just barely from quirked lips, and a few "casual" thoat clears were enough of a signal that Kuroo knew plenty well that Kenma was staring right at him.

  Not at all happy with the once tower like positioned boy now scrunched and nervous in a chair, Kenma carried out with his plan of tapping his tray. Lifting his hand and fingers as high as his physical will could flow, he smashed his fingers down, his slightly overgrown nails hitting the hard plastic board first. The rough but very short lasting sound tattered to the target's ears, making his head turn towards Kenma and unintentionally lock gaze with him.

  "What's wrong?" His voice was strong and moved around plenty, but it wavered with worry and confusion. Just replying with a fierce glint and huff, Kenma thought about what he would say if he could talk.

  "If you don't want to be here, just leave." The simple, pretty oftenly used phrase would work plenty to get a point across. But rather than just wanting him to leave, Kenma's mind wandered to know why he kept averting his vision, hiding himself, trying to make himself seem smaller. Was he hiding to keep a secret away with it? Hiding an emotion behind those twisted expressions that were popping on his face every now and then, why was he not comfortable and as proud as ever like every other time Kenma had seen him? Bokuto had seen what was going on right as Kenma was starting to get worried over Kuroo, and chose the path to just let the scene unfold with no third party interuption

  "I'll be leaving, see you later Bokuto." Skittish and coarse, such a demanding voice that's never sounded so retreated.

  Kenma didn't want to focus on tone unless it would really further his observations, in this case it was very basic on how this retreatful tone would be interprated so he left alone what had already been dipped into.

  What vexed the boy was "See you later Bokuto," it casted on Bokuto just a bit too much with Kuroo having to broadcast the name "Bokuto" much more quietly than the other words. Is he planning not to visit anymore? But why? Why?

  Kenma hated when he knew he couldn't find out an answer to a question. Morality and social questions where always much more frustrating than educational ones like in math. With math he _knew_  there was an answer and resolution to this formula or problem, knew that even though he couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel he knew there was a light. With this question rambling through Kenma's mind of having no spot in Kuroo's recent diction choices was much, _much_  worse.

  He didn't know if there was a light to guide his mind to relief, but no relief in this. He was stuck in the middle of a dark tunnel, not having any idea if it was blocked off and if all the efforts he will give up will be for no real end, no cut of a ribbon, no picture on the fridge after rubbing away all of his crayons.

  You might be thinking he's being irrational here, such a simple sentence and he's getting worked up about it. You've got it wrong, he's not worked up about the sentence or who said it, he's worked up because he's in a dark tunnel. He's not going to focus why he's in that tunnel, he won't focus who abandoned him there because how will that help?

  He's just worried that he's in a possibly blocked tunnel _again_.

  He's always hated the feeling of no answer, he does not care what the absence of closing is to, just that there might not be an answer he can reach. The feeling of uncertainness, of as said before, absence.

  Always an absence that can not be substituted for forgetful ignorance to a situation.

  He hated it, so much.

  A question that is incomplete because there is no reply, yet it still exists.

  Has he brought anything on to make Kuroo not want to stay in the long run of knowing him? What could he have done to deserve yet another haunting of no opening? Gosh he hated it. Hated this feeling, despised the feeling of knowing he can't shake off anything. But he should really stop this train of front and push this quiver to the back of his mind to deal with later, but it will still always be there, with all the others taking a gory dance. Such a lively one too.

  "Kuroo just texted me he'll be waiting for some play at his house. He always orders something for comfort when he's not the one who needs it. I'm sorry."

  Will Bokuto be gone too?

  "I know you've probably got a lot of things racing through that head of yours right now, I get that, I truly do. Sorry we've sparked some fear. But I've known Kuroo much longer and I know when he needs a talk. I'm really sorry. I'll be leaving now. I trust that you will be okay? You're strong."

  His face had guilt written all over it, but something told Kenma that a part of it was an act, not all though.

  Bokuto got up, bending over slightly to kiss Kenma. The side of his mouth, very half-hearted with no thought or effort really behind it.

  No, he's not that strong. He's not strong. He just hides, he hides with utter fear of himself.

  Idiot.

  Don't kiss him, don't do such a full act when you make it empty. Don't drain what was left after you said those words.

  Don't leave with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KENMA IS S AD SOR RY  
> And I'm thinking of starting a new fic!! It's a fluffy one so a lot different from this, it'll also only have a few chapters, around 3 or 4? But the chapters will be longer.  
> What do you think?? Should I? I'm a bit hesitant because I don't write that much so it might slow down this fic ;^;


	8. Daiki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get to meet Kazuko's girlfriend!!! : )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG GOSH.  
> I was planining on making this chapter like twice as long but I decided not to bc time. sorr ;v;  
> BTW I DIDN'T EDIT THIS CHAPTER SO THERE WILL BE SPELLING AND GRAMMAR MISTAKES.

Right after the quiet click of the door that blasted through Kenma's ears in comparison to the surrounding silence, Kenma didn't really want to think.

He wasn't able to say anything, he wasn't able to will back Bokuto with a voice to make sure the next kiss wouldn't be empty.

He felt empty.

He's not able to do anything, he's so far.

Someone who always comforted him, would never hesitate to brush Kenma's fringe to the side, who Kenma really thought _understood_  him and _valued_  him, left saying he'd go to someone else who brought on a scare.

How empty.

How he wished to know what it felt like to speak with no burden constricting his vocal folds. But even if he could start to speak, did he have the confidence? He always strung up thoughts of him spilling what was lying on the edge of his lips but those thoughts came in moments of hope and rush, we was never really thinking of the time he'd really be able to talk, only how he wanted to.

He's going to be left alone for a while, no nurses will be coming in any time soon and Kazuko would only be by sometimes tomorrow, so Kenma was left to freely go numb. And he wasn't reluctant to do so.

* * *

 

 "Kenma-chan!" Kazuko walked in with a white shopping bag in hand after a woman who was only slightly familiar to Kenma.

"This is Daiki, you remember her, right? One of her parents is full on American!"

She did look like it, light brown hair that you could say was almost an ash blond and very dark green eyes. She was short though, about 5'1 but very curvy. Wide shoulders and hips layed down a very firm dominant look.

"Nice to meet you again, Kenma."

A deep voice from such a short lady, wasn't very unexpected. Her voice wasn't masculine, but it was down in the keys. It may have seemed deeper from how rich it was, no breathy qualities at all.

"I've been with Daiki while I wasn't visiting, her family is having troubles still."

He prodded at Kenma's hair while talking till he went for a hug. His cologne was different, not soft and florally. This scent wasn't exactly gentle, a harsh mint that would never work for Kazuko. Kazuko has always had a welcoming, relaxing aura to him, with some energy. This is where a subtle, clean flower scent fit him. Kenma would have been fine with even a citrus smell or wood-like musk, it would also be okay if the mint was subtle. Something so sharp as this mint or spice would never mix well with his big brother. This scent was too... Masculine? Too edged, an aggressive tone to it mixed with a coolness. A very secretive scent. Something Kazuko would never wear, he'd never put on something [enticing]. It was probably Daiki who told him to.

"Sorry it's been so long, a lot has happened." The tense man set a light blush, one that made him look way less angular.

Daiki and Kazuko held up their hands, engagement ring snug and matching on their stretched out fingers.

"I proposed, sorry I didn't tell you about it, Kenma-chan." He tried to bubble up on chan, as if it would lighten up Kenma's thoughts on this ordeal.

It was obvious Daiki sensed the mood, she was annoyed at the silence of disaproval. Daiki kept silent, not bothering herself to fix the atmospere, well, it only lasted a minute or two but it lasted for a bit nonetheless.

"What's so bad about our marriage?"

Kenma was about to ring up plenty reasons(all very selfish ones) and pull out a glare that would sting any person till he realized what the woman's tone held. She probably knew fully well that Kenma couldn't talk, that he wouldn't be able to directly answer but she still asked him, _to_  him, not to his brother. She didn't mind that there'd be no words on his part and was content with his own thoughts to satisfy himself. He couldn't even come up with any reasons of why Kazuko would suffer through this, only his own feelings. Daiki and Kazuko were perfectly happy together and Kenma should be happy that Kazuko came here with no twists on his face, and part of the reason for that is because of Daiki.

Expression softening, Kenma manages a "squeak" of defeat, letting Daiki and Kazuko exchange relieved glances.

"Kenma-chan, do you want to go to the wedding? It'll be in 8 months." Kazuko's voice was very soft and matched his smile, a sweet but somehow pained smile?

Kenma replied quickly with a delighted chirp, which grumbled in his throat a bit.

"You're a good kid, Kenma." Daiki's voice firm and south, she smiled.

She didn't know shit about Kenma. She didn't know anything about what he thinks, who he associates pain with and why, she didn't know anything, but she still accepted him, trusted him to be an okay person.

Normally Kenma would hate this type of person, a foolish one he'd call them. Someone who doesn't care enough to think but only care for an emotionally secure state, trusting everyone around you.

Foolish person.

Kenma needs to learn that they don't only care about themselves being emotionally secure, but also the one being trusted. The feeling of not being fully with another, fully counted on or have no one depend on you, can eat you out after all. And this "Foolish" person doesn't want anyone feeling that way.

Normally Kenma would say they're not in the right mind, not thinking or analyzing, but now he's starting to want to become a person like that.

"Kenma?" The deep voice rounded out again, making Kenma focus on the source.

"You've been zoning out, just looking at a fucking potted plant with the most scrunched up face I've ever seen."Daiki laughed, her features softening, a very charming difference from her past pointed expressions.

"Just thinking, huh?" The laugh was originally not very loud, but now it was growing with Daiki joining in, but only a bit.

Daiki just looked back down to Kenma after her short burst and showed another warm smile before jerking her head to Kazuko.

"I'll be leaving, I just same to introduce myself to your brother. I need to get back to Bethany." She pressed a light kiss on Kazuko's cheek(After he bent down for her) and walked out of the room.

"Bethany is her half-sister, She's a lot older than her." Another smile, a lazy, relaxed one to just show fondness.

"Hey, I have everything we need. I bought hair bleach along with shampoo and conditioner." He lifted up the white bag hanging from his hands.

"We can sign you out and do it at home."


	9. Pout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto apologizes : )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY FUCK   
> There's gonna be a lot more cussing bc this chapter focuses on Bokuto.  
> This chapter is also a bit shorter AND I DIDN'T EDIT AGAIN but I have a reason 4 it, ssorr ;^;

Bokuto sat on the edge of Kuroo's small ass bed, checking his notifications.

There were 10+ pictures of Kenma while Kazuko-san was bleaching his hair.

Not helping but to feel a tad bit guilty for leaving little Kenma so he could fuck Kuroo, Bokuto glanced back to the fuck buddy on the other side of the bed. Bokuto had part of Kuroo's blanket covering up his privates but Kuroo was just letting all of his dingley bits hang out while he was cruising through his own phone.

All the dingley bits.

"Kenma's getting his hair bleached, he'll look cute with blond hair, right?" A very edged smile was held up on Bokuto's face but he was truly anticipating for the sight of an adorable blond Kenma in front of him.

"Can we not talk about Kenma right after we fucked?" Kuroo didn't really plead, but their was a dash of it along with mainly exasperation.

Bokuto hid a bitter frown, one that would have snapped Kuroo into the right mind or at least halfway there. Maybe Kuroo shouldn't have begged him to come here and "play" right after scaring Kenma. It wasn't entirely the rooster-head's fault, Bokuto didn't need to come. He said right to Kenma's face that he knew Kuroo needed a "talk" and then [kissed] the boy who knew just the type of shit he was about to do. Bokuto wasn't lying though, not at all, he did know when Kuroo needed a talk and that was now but they didn't even chat for a minute, Bokuto just helped his friend push away his thoughts through a kinda sucky and aggressive round of sex. Guilt wasn't the best feeling, and it would be worse once he had to face a speechless Kenma with a sorrow ridden new hair color.

"How about I go over to Kazuko's house to see Kenma right now and leave you here to rot like you deserve, asshole."

"I do deserve it." And a uttered laugh that hollowed out the room.

"Do you want to see Kenma with blond hair? Kazuko just finished blow drying it." His voice was taunting, Bokuto was still keeping up a sour smile that Kuroo rarely ever looked through to see the taste behind it.

"Why are you even focusing on that waste of flesh? He has no purpose. Focus on someone that really means something." Kuroo didn't sound jealous, or at least Bokuto didn't think so. It was mostly just frustration.

"Like you?" Bokuto questioned in a sarcastic tone, even adding a scoff afterwards. The boy next to him grunted and went back to his phone, leaving Bokuto able to do as he pleased. After around 10 whole minutes of awkward silence(No matter how much Bokuto and Kuroo thought about starters to break the quiet atmosphere, neither took the initiative.) Bokuto stood and collected his clothes, stumbling as he put on his underwear and pants, then taking about five fucking minutes to button up his shirt and even then he missed a button in the middle and everything looking creased.

"I'll be going then, see ya at school."

"Bye." Kuroo said awkwardly, but not bothering to avert his eyes. He did genuinely look like he wanted to speak out, set things right or something like that, maybe just wanting to apologize for not being a decent human but nothing escaped his parted lips.

* * *

 

 "Door is open!"

Bokuto turned the knob and walked in slowly, taking his shoes off before the lip with the rest. He's going to have to face Kenma after that kiss, sure, it was just a kiss. He's does the exact same thing with many other guys(Usually heavier, but that's besides the point) but Kenma wasn't just a normal guy, as cliche as it may sound.

Kenma was more intelligent, could process much more clearly and faster but he lacked experience to put his intelligence to use in a way other people could understand and relate. Bokuto just got that vibe from Kenma, he just understood that Kenma wasn't a dumb piece of shit like most people assumed. Walking into the bathroom(He's been here before) and finding an adorable blond Kenma made Bokuto's fucking day.

The more yellow blond. Bokuto's always hated when girls bleach their hair and didn't have it toed to look natural, either having it end up yellow or platinum, which looked sloppy and unappealing. But it worked for his mute friend, having a look that reminded Bokuto of caramel or butterscotch pudding.

"Doesn't it fit him?" Kazuko asked, having a delighted smile smeared all across his charming face.

"He looks great!"

Kenma himself looked unfomfortable, and the causer could guess why. Bokuto wishes he could just take back that daring kiss he did not too long ago, it would have been better for Kenma and himself to just wait till his crush could at least talk. Bokuto had to remind his own self constantly that Kenma [was just a crush] he's had plenty of crushes, some of them on girls and some on boys. A crush means a minuscule desire for a romantic relationship but falling in love is a longing that Boktuo hasn't come across yet.

Twindling Kenma's freshly straightened hair between his fingers gently, Bokuto looked toward Kazuko, trying to signal wanting a moment alone with the new blond. Luckily, the usually blind Kazuko caught on and walked into the hallway, seemingly not suspicious.

"I'm sorry." A sentence Bokuto has been dying to say.

Kenma looked up, cornering his vision to try and focus on the piece of trash who's talking to him.

"You don't need to forgive me." He kept his voice low, to a soft whisper. Kenma put on a pouty face which Bokuto took for forgive.

"I am sorry though." Bokuto cupped the blond's face with his hand and squished, making him have even more of a pout that concluded with a laugh from both parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOW THAT YOU'RE AT THE END, I HAVE A QUESTION ^O^  
> I will be doing a fluff fic! But I really can't decide over Kenma being with Bokuto or Kuroo, so you guys can choose! Just message me on my tumblr (Same url cutencreatures.tumblr.com) or comment below! thank ^v^


	10. Urgent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma's state!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O KAY OKAY OKAY   
> This is set quite a bit after the previous chapter btw!!

Kenma was well on the road to a fast recovery from his old, mute self.

He's been prioritizing his speech therapy ahead of his regular studies for the last 2 months, and he was able to say it was his own orders.

Bokuto was also starting to get used to this whole conversation thing. He's always had conversations with Kenma, but they were through looks, through returned finger tapping and some mutual blushes, but now this used to be small kid could clearly speak his mind and almost no one expected his thoughts to be so vastly transcribed into words.

"Should I take you out today? A nice lunch date?" With Kenma being able to speak it made him a little less taboo in society, so him and Bokuto could do things in public settings. Something Kenma didn't miss as much as others, mostly because it didn't feel the same as he did before the accident.

"No, I hate being fed, I get stared at." The blond answered.

"You know, I've noticed that you say hate a lot."

"I've always thought it, now I just say it."

"Sad."

"I guess." Kenma didn't mind admitting.

"You know, you've never told me about how you got injured, and your family always pushed it to the side." Bokuto tried to stay as casual as he could so he wouldn't make his little lover uncomfortable, but all he heard was a sigh.

"My family hates speaking of it, I just don't bring it up because it never comes to mind, and I don't recall you ever asking."

"Well, now I'm asking."

"Okay." Silence, some good silence for 5 minutes at least. Kenma was recollecting his thoughts, and having a hard time doing so, a distorted look on his face.

"7th grade. I guess I could say I was pretty social? I got along well, but I knew it wasn't a natural ability or somehting I really liked. But yeah, it was a pretty cliche car crash story. Nothing really complex about it, a simple and now often way to be on your way out. I was walking from a friends house, a pretty boy by the name of Tsubasa, I thought I was catching on a crush with him looking back. My mother told me to be home before dark and I was going to be late." Another few minutes of silence.

"I remember it very cleanly. I was walking next to a busy rode with no sidewalk by it, only packed gravel that crackled under my feet, I really miss that harsh sound. A busy road, very busy, it was the night rush and I was a bit nervous, I would have to wait a while till it was clear to pass safely. Right by it was my school, and I would be able to get to a sidewalk once I crossed the road. Everything was clear, and I started to get into a half jog half walk across it. I felt light hitting the side of my face, _felt it_. I turned my head as saw a screech, I _saw it_  impact my senses and knew the man tried to slow down but still got me."

Kenma was just sitting there, having to say so casually why he had to sit in the chair all day.

"I'm sorry, I just randomly brought it up."

"Nah, it's okay. Like I said I have no problem sharing, it's just hard to remember after not paying any mind to it for a few years."

Bokuto rested his head on Kenma's tray, well, not really like a gently rested scenario but more of just smacking his head.

"Kuroo texted me yesterday saying he wants to see you again." Kuroo has been meeting Kenma a lot, but when he came by the first time he acted as if nothing ever happened, as if he didn't frantically leave the room and then immediately call Bokuto. Kenma was pretty thankful for that.

"He can come over tomorrow then, you can come over too, be a bit early."

"Mhm." Bokuto popped his head back up and took his phone out.

"Do you want to listen to some podcasts?"

Kenma spent most of the next hour listening to podcasts with Bokuto, who was beginning to fall asleep.

* * *

 

 "That Bokuto comes by nearly everyday, he your boyfriend or something?" The nurse who always gave Kenma his speech therapy said while flipping through a magazine.

"I guess? Maybe. I'm not too sure, and Hye-jin, what about that male nurse I always see you with in the hallway?" The nurse blushed a bit and began stuttering, but she quickly corrected herself and smoothly carried on a sentence.

"Nayoko. His name Is Nayoko Imai. He asked me out on a date on Friday." The two kept looking at eachother and soon bursted in a fit of girlish giggles, ones that 12 year old girls would do.

"But, isn't it about time to go back home? While we're on happy subjects, you should be able to leave." Hye-jin tapped Kenma's tray.

 

This _wasn't_ a happy subject for him but he can't make Hye-jin feel bad.

"Eh, yeah! It should be soon I bet."

"Mmmmm, that's good! Well I should really hurry, they don't give me much leisure time. I'll just give you your medication and be on my way." Hye-jin stood herself from the chair and set her magazine on a near counter, scrounging around a small wheel in tray with two layers, trying to find the right medication.

"Make sure you say hi to Imai for me." Kenma taunted, pressing his tongue against his front teeth to add flare to his words.

"Why of course," She then grabbed the water in a small paper cup and came back to the small boy, first giving him a pill and water, repeating this process with 2 other medications.

"I don't usually have that many, right?"

"Your doctor changed your meds." She hummed as she walked out of the room.

* * *

 

 Bokuto was home, lazily texting Kazuko about his day when he noticed Kazuko hasn't replied in around 10 minutes, which is very unusal. He's always a very fast responder. Then his phone lit up again with a message from none other than Kazuko.

<Kazuko_man>: COME TO THE HOSPITAL NOW. IT'S FUCKING URGENT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A HHH only one chapter left! Then I'll be starting another fic : )


	11. Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma ded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha RLLY short ending, but an ending. :) glad to finish this!!!! It's been taunting me for a while with how shitty this fic is, and i rlly want to rewrite it, but nahhh lmao just get it off my plate.  
> If you guys would like I could do another fic that's a spin off of this where it ends kuroo/kenma instead? It'd take a long time for me to even finish the first chapter of it tho

So hot.

Kenma recalled feeling sweat pooling and feeling his heart beating so fast he thought he was running a 25k race for the first time in his life with no training, add on a few extra meals right before running.

His head hurt, it was a slow and insistent ache that numbed his thoughts but not most of his senses.

All of this rushed through him around 2 hours after taking his medication and he could piece together that the new medication was in fact a plea for murder or at least inflicting dry pain.

 

So damn hot.

He could feel no sun beating sweetly onto the back of his neck on a nice day outside with Bokuto or Kazuko, only harsh, scratching heat that caused his chest to become a broken ground for itching pain. He felt like he was suffocating, nothing reaching his stressed lungs but there was still breath was everywhere but his blood vessels. The thing that got his eyes the most red at the moment was that he knew he couldn't speak during this, he could barely _think_.

The most important and less lonely place in his life crawling away with his memory of salty days that used to leave him with a satisfied taste. He couldn't breath. He could puzzle the grain in his vision but left his eyes open, wanting his last lonely moments done with his sight left, a good inspection of the room.

A good inspection of the sauced life he got to live and the one he could have deserved before a sad day returning home. A sad day when he could have told a friend about a silly rumor or brisk moment when his and Tsubasa's hands touched and they could innocently squeal, he could have done that and so much more the following morning at recess or sneakily in the classroom. It was only 7th grade, and not until now did Kenma decide he missed those days when his limbs were touching others on their own accord and breath reached someones ear as he stupidly told a secret.

Now he wished he could tell someone about his time in the hospital. He didn't tell anyone about the rare visits by anyone and how he watched his friends care less and less about his hands and feelings that once touched theirs, even Tsubasa. He never told Bokuto about how much he loved it when their hands melted together so naturally as they watched videos or gossiped, how much he loved it when Bokuto said "date" or "Kenma" and other now much needed words. How much he loved it when Bokuto didn't hesitate to feed him some greasy fast food and kiss away the remains, when Bokuto was there.

Kenma even found himself thinking a lot about Kazuko, his scent, his speech, and just how he stayed with him and never thought less of his brother. He just didn't seem to mind a soundless mouth from such a close figure that used to speak so oftenly about school, about a small crush, about how Hinata wasn't at school.

Would he ever be graced with those moments again?

* * *

 

 "Kenma." He heard his name, but didn't open his tired eyes. Kenma only flinched.

"Kenma." His friend's voice was so devastated.

"I love you." He heard a sniffle, one that was holding back a wave of emotions that Kenma's battered mind wasn't ready to heal.

"You'll still be able to speak. Only brain tissue on the right side of the brain was affected. Not much of it was damaged either. Don't worry." More dark sniffles.

God, Kenma was too stunned to speak, not that he could with a tube sticking down his throat. He _loved_  him. Fuck, Kenma thought he was about to die and his mind still drifted to Bokuto, Kenma never thought "My life is about to end." He just kept _thinking_ that's all he ever did. Think. It was endless.

Before the accident Kenma didn't need to think before tossing a ball, before jumping rope or doing oh so many push-ups in PE. But now that's all he could ever do, think. Even now after finally being able to speak freely to the ones he loves and even the ones he doesn't care much about, he still thought for a while on exactly what to say, it was precise and incorrect most of the time.

This was like a really romantic, sappy chick-flick he once saw when he was 10, his mother made him watch it and it was full of tears and some pretty unbearable snotty jokes that were sometimes racist and sexist masked by a confident white woman who wasn't afraid of showing who she was.

But this was just tears and romance, no racist and sexist comments, haha.

Maybe once he recovered again he wouldn't be so weary of eating out or just being out, maybe he'll be able to feel what it's like to be drenched in rain and curse the heavens for how cold the earth was.

Maybe Kenma might know how it feels to not be able to hear someone because the sunshine has worn out his senses, only really feeling a muffled vision and insanely hot sand under his dry toes.

Just maybe he could express himself through more than facial expressions and choked words that always found themselves lost on his tongue.

When Kenma was younger, when he entered the hospital, he was clouded in friends. They weren't happy with how the situation was, but they didn't want to help him. They just wondered, they just pitied him and talked to themselves in the hospital room, glancing over at the boy who stared at them with longing and confusion as to why they'd rarely speak to him or touch his hand, or just anything. 

The kids were scared. They were scared of what happened and if it could happen to them, they weren't scared for a friend, they were scared for a  _lost_ friend. To them, Kenma was gone. He wasn't supposed to be in their lives anymore, he had no use! Kenma couldn't even speak, all the children only saw sad eyes that didn't dare accept reality. 

Kenma had to face it sooner or later once his friends stopped showing, he was alone and it wasn't even his fault. He was  _lost._ The world would be the same without him right now, either way he was nothing at the moment.

He just had to find a way to speak, a way to communicate, and that's what he did years later. 

Kenma can speak, he can make a difference, he has value.

He has a  _life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT THE FUCKING ENDDD AYYY HOPE YOU GUYS LIKED THE FIC

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed lmao


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